I heard Coach Stoops say that one time, and I asked him "what's a donkey kong?" He just looked back at me and shook his head like I had personally offended him or something. Anyway, I like to say it every now and then when something big is getting ready to happen. Like tonight for instance! We are less than 12 hours away from the game and I thought that I'd periodically update this post throughout the day to let you know what I was doing... probably all the way up until around 5:30 EST. That's when I need to start focusing and wouldn't be a very good blogger then.
9:00 a.m. Anyway, I just got through eating breakfast. I had 16 eggs, 8 pancakes, a plate of hashbrowns, a ball of cheddar cheese, and a pound of grilled gator meat.
I didn't sleep last night because I was too jacked up thinking about my first pass tonight. I am going to drill Brandon Spikes in the head with my first pass. I am going to drill him so hard that he'll have to take a few series of plays off. I am going to yell "wussy!" at him as he wobbles off the field. I can't wait.
9:30 a.m. Stoopsey is wanting to watch some more Florida Gator footage. I am getting sick of watching them. I know all their defensive schemes. I know where all their defensive backs and linebackers will be on every play before they even do. So, instead, I got out my throwing stars and practiced hitting a poster of Tebow I hung up at the opposite end of the hallway.
9:53 a.m. Right now as I type this I am in the bathroom taking a Tebow. I'm going to flush him down the drain just like I'm going to flush Florida's title hopes back to that swampy hell hole known as Gainesville, Florida.
I'll be updating this post throughout the day, so check back every now and then to see what great things I am up to.
10:15 Just prank called Tebow's room. He answered, and I said "Tim Tebow? This is Jesus, so listen very carefully to what I'm about to ask you." There was silence from him - probably because he couldn't believe Jesus was calling him on the phone. So, then I asked, "Is the refrigerator in your hotel room running?" Tebow replied back and said that he didn't have a refrigerator in his room. So I called him a dumbass and hung up. Classic! He'll be wondering why Jesus called him a dumbass all day. It'll mess with his head tonight you watch.
10:35 Found this picture of me and gay boy from a few days ago. That could be tv show by the way - "The Adventures of Sam Bradford and Gay Boy." He would always be doing something stupid and getting into trouble and I'd have to rescue him every week. It would get old after a while, but it would be a hit tv show since I would be in it.
Look at his stupid smile and those stupid bracelets on his wrist. They don't say inspirational stuff on them like he'd have you believe because I read those three when he wasn't looking. It made me sick...
The orange one says: I shoot little puppies with my gun
The yellow one says: Clay Aiken fanclub president
The white one says: I beat up homeless people for fun
Is that what a hero represents? Who could possibly cheer for that?
10:57 Playing NCAA College Football '09 on my PS3 and I'm using Austin English to continually crush Tebow on every play... just like tonight...
11:20 I'm bored of crunching Tebow in College Football '09. The game is very realistic though because I had 800 yards passing and 12 touchdowns and we won 114 - 3.
11:25 Ordered some steak fries from room service as a pre-lunch snack. Made Joey Halzle try them first - don't want anyone poisoning me before the game, and I sure wouldn't put it past Gator fans and players to do something like that. But, I didn't go through ninja-training for nothing. I'm too smart for those jean short wearing Gators.
11:42 Called Colt McCoy and asked him what it feels like to be sitting at home on the day of the BCS championship game and then hung up on him before he could even answer.
12:00 Used my mental telepathy to speak with Chuck Norris about the aura of greatness that surrounds people like me and him. It helps me to get psyched up and fill my greatness meter to the brim
12:30 Went to lunch. Had a couple of milkshakes and about 8 grilled cheese sandwiches. I had some applesauce and I threw it at Trent Williams and started a massive food fight. It was awesome. Rock and roll, baby!
12:45 Thought this picture of me and Stoops was good. I remember this one too. He was saying, "Sam. Definitely. Sam. You're a great, great player. Great. You're definitely great. Now, go call us a good play and score a touchdown, Sam. Definitely." I did right after that.
1:05-1:10 Power nap. Feeling refreshed now.
1:20 Sat down and tried to figure out what happens when an unstoppable force (me) meets an immovable object (supposedly Florida's defense). Easy. The Unstoppable force is unstoppable so it eventually wins just like I plan to do tonight.
1:30 Went downtown Miami in disguise. Prevented a few gangs wars and passed out Tim Tebow's cell phone number to strangers. I told them if they called that number and said "Do me, baby" that they would win $1,000 cash instantly. Haha! Tebow's phone is probably blowin' up right now.
(This was my disguise and it worked brilliantly)
2:00 Went by a few cathedrals and paid my respects to the Big Man upstairs, because I know he's a Sooner fan and will want total domination tonight like when he helped his people through the Red Sea and crushed the Egyptians who followed. That's what I see tonight... the Florida Gator sea parting as the Big Red rolls through it time and time again for easy scores.
2:45 Stopped by a Gold's Gym and did about a thousand reps on the bench press of 500 pounds.
2:55 Ditched my costume and went tanning on the beach for a little while. Rescued a couple of people drowning in the ocean.
3:05-3:08 Power nap #2 on the day.
3:30 Returned to the team hotel. As I walked into the lobby, Billy Sims was there yelling "Boomer!" "Boomer!" I responded with a couple of "Sooner!" "Sooner!" He just kept yelling it though. People were staring at him. It was like he couldn't stop. It was really annoying as he was still yelling it while I was getting into the elevator. I waved at him as the door closed.
3:33 As I got out of the elevator, I punched all of the hotel floors so that the elevator would have to stop on every floor. Hahahaha! That trick never gets old.
3:45 Just sitting around watching my highlights from 2008. It's funny, because every game is basically highlight reel for me and tonight will be no different.
4:00 I think Bob is having the limo pick me up to take me to pre-game meal and then to the stadium. I need to have DeMarco double check that for me. I guess I'll shower now. I like to be clean when I dominate.
4:15 I climbed up to the top of the hotel and starting chunking footballs into the ocean to loosen up the Sammy cannon. I hit a cruise ship on accident, so there is probably one pissed off captain right now. My apologies, sir. If I ever run into you, I'll give you an autographed game jersey. That should more than make up any monetary losses. Our kicker, Jeremy Stevens, joins me sometimes on the roofs of hotels and kicks balls every which way. It's kind of become tradition.
4:30 Ahhh, pre-game meal. All the wings you can eat and 50 cent drafts. This is the pre-game meal of champions, baby! The beers help me calm down a little bit because I know Jermaine is going to drop at least one catchable ball tonight. Manny will too. And the beers will help me not go apeshit on them on national tv. I'll just shrug it off and throw more to Juan or Juankeen or whatever #9's real name is.
4:52 Beating Chris Brown's ass at the greatest golf video game ever - Golden Tee. I am a black tee zone bad muther. Besides being the world's greatest QB, an awesome ninja, and the world record holder for cheese eating, I can dominate anyone at Golden Tee.
Chris smells like he's been smoking weed, but I'm not even going to ask. If he runs better high, then that's fine by me.
5:05 My limo has arrived to take me to the stadium!
Check this bad boy out. I am going to run over any cars with Gator flags on my way!
5:15 Thinking Flo-Rida is the worst rap name in the history of rap/hip-hop. Pop in some Toby Keith instead.
5:30 Arriving at the stadium.
5:45 OK, boys and girls, this is it. I'm signing off until after our total domination tonight. I would love to text some updates on my blog from the sideline during the game, but Stoops has some stupid rule about no cell phones on the sidelines during the game. Ridiculous. How else am I supposed to find out where the hunnies are going to be after the game? That's one thing I've got to talk to Bob about during the offseason. Preferably, I'd like to keep my cell phone with me on the field so I could call people during time-outs or when we're in the huddle.
I'm going to leave you with one last picture of yours truly. Well, me and my boy, Colt.
Hey Colt, remember when we went to New York City and I won the Heisman and you didn't? That was awesome. Have fun watching me win the national championship tonight on tv, sucka!
