Last Minute Christmas Gifts

If you are like me, then you are just getting ready to begin your Christmas shopping. But, unlike me, you don't have all your Christmas gifts for everyone narrowed down to 12 awesome gifts. So, because I am The Great Sam Bradford, I am passing along 12 awesome Christmas ideas and the links so you can finish up your shopping right here in no time.

You're welcome.

This rocket launcher is the closest thing they make to having a right arm like mine, aka "The Sammy Cannon." This launcher will propel objects of destruction as quickly as one of my tight spirals finds an open receiver downfield. For the bargain price of only 400 bones, you can own your own rocket launcher, and feel and see the sensation of a Bradford spiral up close.





I rarely go anywhere without these. Sunglasses you say? Hell, no. These are genuine spy sun glasses that allow you to look behind you. For only about $71, you can own a pair of these. Sometimes, during practice, I don't even wear my helmet, just these. If I can see people in front of me and behind me, why do I need a helmet? Plus, these are sweet, because I can see all the ladies checking out my backside when I strut past them walking across campus.

Nothing says hours of fun like a yodeling pickle. I have about seven of these bad boys right now. Sometimes I'll stuff it in my jock when no one's looking and then I'll make it sing and say "Damn, boys. You wonder why I gets all the ladies? It's because my junk sings to them and your junk just hangs there like a willow tree!" That always gets a laugh. Occasionally Offensive Coordinator Kevin Wilson will just play the yodeling pickle through the speaker in my helmet instead of actually calling a play during the game. That's my cue to throw another touchdown. Get your yodeling pickle right here.

This gift is the gift that keeps on giving. Every man can use a hatchet. You always need a hatchet to chop stuff up, kill things, or even more docile things like shaving in the morning. I use my hatchet as a motivational tool for my linemen. I have my hatchet in my locker with a sign that says "Miss a blocking assignment - get a warning. Miss two, lose a foot." I keep telling Duke and Phil that it probably hurts to lose a foot by way of a hatchet. Get your hatchet here.

I use this fart machine practically everyday. In class. In my house. In the locker room. In church. I love putting this in Chris Brown's locker and then when Coach Stoops is going over the gameplan or something really important, I'll make it go off. Everyone will turn and look at Chris and then I'll say something clever like "It says Brown on the back of your jersey, but you better check for some brown in them pants!" Twenty bucks can get you your own fart machine.

I bought one of these towels, and sent it to Colt McCoy and autographed it "Texas Sucks! Sincerely, the 2008 Hesiman winner, 1st Team All-Big 12 QB, AP player of the year, Davey O'Brien winner, and BCS National Championship Quarterback."

Colt is a true butt-face. For only $19.95, you can get this towel and for another $8.95 you can get some butt-face soap to go along with it. Get one of these for that special butt-face that you know.

This is a grenade launcher in the form of a hand gun! Perfect for all ages, this sucker is only $190 and really useful when needing to blow shit up. When I'm not blasting enemy legs from their torsoes during the offseason, I put big marshmallows in it and fire 'em at the fat chicks walking around campus. Get yours on sale right here.

The mother of all Christmas gifts. The holy grail of hanukkah. That's right, britches, it's an autographed football from yours truly. I saw one of these on ebay the other day and the bidding was somewhere around a samtrillion dollars. You say a samtrillion is not a number? It is now.

I can't tell you where to get one of these, because these are rare. I've thrown a fair share of these into outer space in case any aliens on other planets would like them. So, if you are lucky someday, you may just find yourself in possession of a beautiful treasure like this. I recommend you house a treasure like this in a bullet-proof, shatter-proof clear box surrounded 24 hours a day by ninja warriors.
Ebay has a whole truckload of fake Sam Bradford autographed stuff, so be careful bidding out there. Personally, I'm giving this picture out to all my teammates this year...

Speaking of ninjas, these awesome throwing stars are perfect for any ninja family members or ninja friends. Well, chances are if you know that a family member or friend is a ninja then you are already dead or about to die (possibly while reading this). Ninja and ninja business is highly classified information for the most part.

Personally, I prefer the eight pointed stars, but sometimes these little six pointed ones can be real nasty. Just remember to bring a towel to wipe off these bad boys after you catch an enemy in the skull, because there is nothing that sucks worse than having to get all that blood off of these once the blood has dried. Go here for all types of ninja throwing stars.

As many of you know, I am a scratch golfer... in my sleep. When I'm playing real well, I'm Tiger Woods worst nightmare. Anyway, I have no need for this at all, but for some of you duffers who continue to hit into me on the course (remember - I carry those throwing stars in my golfbag), you may want to check into the golf ball life vest so you don't lose it when you hit it in the water... and you will hit it in the water.

Nothing says Merry Christmas any better than a big ol' block of cheese. If you are creative enough, you could do something like have me carved into a block of cheese throwing a touchdown pass. How awesome would that be to get up on Christmas morning and to find that Santa had left you a cheese statue of me! If you need to order some cheese with rush delivery, check out Hickory Farms.





Let me introduce you to the reason why you'll spend ungodly amounts of time in your bathroom. No, I'm not talking about your three years of Brabuster Magazine you have hidden undeneath your sink. I'm talking about Toto Neorest 600. For those of you with some cash in your pocket, you can get this crapper for only $3,900, and let me tell you, it's worth every penny.
This japanese poop hole has a temperature control heated seat, front and rear warm water washing, remote flushing system, a drier system, and an air deodorizer so that your shit don't stink after you've done your bizness. I don't really require that, because mine don't stink regardless of what toilet I'm sitting upon, but for the average human, this is a good function for a toilet to have. Hell, the Neorest practically sucks the dung out of you. No more pushing or straining ever again!

I saved the best for last: The Neorest's high-tech, awesome flushing system sends your waste to the nastiest, stinkiest place in America - that's right, Austin, Texas! Sooner fans, don't tell me you wouldn't cash in what's left of your 401k to buy one of these especially knowing that all of your shiznit ends up in Austin!

There you go. You have everything you need right here on this post.

Merry Christmas!