Ahhh! My New Hand!

So I was in the hospital getting my surgery done yesterday morning on my thumb when the surgeon, who was a closet UT grad, lopped off my arm and replaced it with this!

Pysch! LOL! Who uses the word "psych" anymore? What is this, 1987? Sorry to scare you all with the new hand joke. I just thought it would be a fun way to start off "We're Going To Kick Gator Ass Month." You can just call it WGTKGAM for short if you want.

My thumb ligaments are just fine in case you were wondering. I will probably be at practice today after the morphine wears off. In case you forgot, I hurt it in the game against Okie Light. After I was tackled, Orie Lemon bent my thumb back while we were in a big pile up. I said, "dude, that doesn't feel good. what are you in first grade or something?" He didn't say anything. He just bit me on the arm after I said that. It hurt so much that I just yelled out Son of an Orie Lemon! MotherLemon! You are one big Orie-hole!

It was really a boring day yesterday. I pretty much sat around the hospital all day yesterday throwing footballs in the hall and munching on a big block of provolone that my mom brought up.

I will tell you one thing. Nurses have great hands. I zipped bullets at them all morning as they were coming and going. Not one drop. If I could put these nurses hands on some of my receivers, tight ends, and running backs, my completion percentage would be 96.7% (I did the math in my head).

Also, I'm not sure if it's the morphine or not, but I'm pretty sure I cured cancer this morning. And, I'm also positive I saved a patient's life when the doctors couldn't find the defibrilllator to restart his heart. I just whipped out a Nike 3005 football and threw it right at the dude's chest, and his heart started beating again. Awesome am I.

Now, onto some cool photos of the Big 12 Championship thumping we gave Missouri.

First off is this photo of two of my fans. That's Rhett Bomar on the left and Keith Nichol on the right. Those two crazy quarterbacks are still big fans of mine. I will be in New York City this weekend accepting my Heisman Trophy and I can't wait to see Colt McCoy there. I want to ask him what it's like to be in the "Wecan'twinthenationalchampionship.com Bowl?" He'll get a kick out of that.


Look! There's my injured thumb right there in that soft cast. I'm holding up three fingers because that's my gang sign for all the fellows back home - The Three Amigo's Third Street Gang. It's mostly me and my hardcore Putnam North boys from high school. We also let tight end Quentin Chaney in the gang because he doesn't have any friends, and we needed to add a minority to our gang for government monitoring purposes. Our gang colors are maroon and gold and we mostly prank the stupid, poor retards at PC and PC West High Schools.


Speaking of gang members, this picture doesn't have me in it, but I love Quinton Carter's hair. I am going to grow mine out like that for next season. I am also going to take up pot smoking, listening to a lot of old school N.W.A., and pouring out liquor for my fallen homies. I call Quinton "QC" because that's his initials and because he's like Quality Control when it comes to controlling things in the secondary. He's also a nuclear physics major with a hunger for oranges I think.


Here I am running back under the tunnel to the locker room while all the fans cheer me on with chants of "Eat more cheese! Eat more cheese!." By the way, I know you're thinking it, so I'm just going to say what you're thinking - my ass looks good in white.


Here I am telling Brandon Walker that I was going to punch him in the face if he ever let his man get by him. I said, "Brandon, I'm going to punch you right in your big, fat, ugly face. I am going to bust my hand right through your face mask and make cottage cheese out of your nose if you miss any assignments." That's how I pump up the big boys upfront - threats of physical harm.


Here I am screaming at some of our fans. "I am the best! I am the best!" I yelled as they congratulated me. This is also where boosters slip me $100 bills.

Look at all the happy faces I give people. One of the girls to my left was holding a sign saying she wanted to have my baby. Lots of women do. But I tell them all the same thing - my super babies will only be able to be held in the womb for a full 10 months by someone like Wonder Woman or when Halle Berry was Storm. Maybe Catwoman. Anyway, it will take someone with super strength and awesomeness to have my babies.

Finally, here I am celebrating with my receiver, Juankin Iglooskates. I like Juan because he can catch most of the fastballs I sling at him every game. After the game, in a better effort to communicate with him, I told him "felicidades amigo!" which means "Congratulations, friend!" He looked at me and said "I don't speak spanish, you cracker!" We both laughed. I thought all Puerto Ricans spoke spanish.

My thanks to the Oklahoman for all these awesome pictures of me and the one of Quentin Carter.