The biggest surprise last night was seeing those Heisman voting totals. What's up with all those first place votes that Tebow and McCoy received? Did those voters not see me play this year? Obviously not. Well, you saw my gracious acceptance speech, but what you didn't get to hear was my original acceptance speech that was trashed at the last minute by my dad who said it was not appropriate. Here was my original speech...
(Walk up to stage. Smile. Take in all the applause. Step up to the microphone and lead off with...)
Suck it, Tebow! (wait for laughter to die down).
First off I'd like to thank myself for being so awesome. My awesomeness in unparalleled by anyone in this room - including all these old dudes behind me. By the way guys (turning my attention to all of the past Heisman winners behind me), get a life. Quit living in the past and talking bout the old times when you used to be good. This is all about the present, baby. And the present is honored to have me as the winner of the 2008 Heisman Trophy.
I'd also like to thank my arm which makes cannons and machine guns tremble. I'd like to thank my brain for out-thinking all of my stupid opponents.
Quick joke. What doesn't have a Heisman trophy, has to play in a regular crappy bowl game with no chance of a national championship, and rhymes with Bolt Annoy? Need a hint? He's also the first openly gay quarterback in Big 12 south history. (Stare viciously at this other QB finalist/NYC freeloader in attendance until he cries like a baby)
Besides me, I'd like to thank my dad who first, had the foresight of playing football for the University of Oklahoma, and secondly, for picking out the mate that he knew in combination with his genes would create the superbaby that would become myself.
I'd like to thank the ninjas of the world for supporting me in my off-season ninja assignments and helping me to achieve oneness with the football.
A big thank you to Fergie for putting out inspirational music that pumps me up before every game.
Thank you to the state of Wisconsin for continually putting out some of the finest cheeses in the world. You should always be part of the United States of America no matter what the people of Michigan say.
Thanks to my heroes growing up - Johnny Utah and John Blake. If not for that painful knee injury, Johnny Utah would have the been the greatest of all time until I came along, and if not for the failed rejuvenation of the wishbone, John Blake would now be the most winningest coach in OU football history and I would be compared to the likes of JC Watts and Jamelle Holliway.
I'd like to thank my teammates for keeping up with me... for the most part. It is not easy keeping up with "the man," but I do appreciate the effort put forth by approximately 12% of my teammates back in Norman.
I'd like to thank myself again for continuing to make Coach Stoops millions of dollars per year and for making him look like a recruting genius. I'd like to thank myself for securing many more future head coaching jobs for guys like Kevy Wilson, Josh Hasbeen, and maybe even Cale "My brother's a man!" Gundy someday.
In conclusion, in the spirit of the season, let us all hold hands and rejoice in the Bradford of the moment and give thanks for all things Sammy.
The Heisman is my bitch now! Tim Tebow has no balls!
Thank you, goodnight, and may God and myself bless you all!
(Wave. Take numerous bows. Be prepared to remain on the podium until 10 minute standing ovation dies down. Go punch Chris Fowler in the face with cast and remind him that Sam Bradford made his job easier and that his face would now look better. Tell Chris to take a message to Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso. Tell Chris to get out a notepad. Write "Dear Kirk and Lee" then punch him in the face again.)
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